My Heart Aches for My Mission

It's been 3 months- two transfers- now since I returned home from my mission. In many ways it definitely feels like it has been 3 months. I feel like I have been home forever.

I had a really hard time moving on the first little bit I was home. A few weeks ago I felt like I was truly starting to get a grip on things. But, today was transfers. It made my heart ache as I stopped to ponder the reality of things. Life is changing-other missionaries are in my previous areas- loving the people there, experiencing all of difficulites of the area, but also having amazing experiences. I feel a certain ownership over my previous areas. I guess part of it is because I am jealous of the missionaries now serving in those areas. They get to love the people, the area, etc. The other part of it is that everyone moves on and in time I feel I will be forgotten. But, I will never forget the people and different experiences of those areas!

I say all that, but I know that to the Lord I was not "just another missionary" nor- am I "just another RM." I know the Lord knows who I am, the hard trials I have overcome, and the desires of my heart. He continually blesses me with tender mercies to know that my labors in the mission field were not in vain. He has helped me be aware of many peoples' lives I touched as I served.

I was recently talking with another friend who came home from her mission a transfer before me. It was so nice to know that I am not alone in my grieving. She expressed to me her feelings of coming back into "normal" life and just falling in the crowd. People call us "RMs" and don't stop to ponder the significance of that title. It's actually a really sacred title to me. I am so proud to be a returned missionary. I had to work hard for that. Behind those words of "Returned Missionary," are days of disappointment, rejection, tiredness, and hard hard work.

Sometimes, because there are so many "RMs" out there, it is easy to feel unimportant and special. We felt important and needed in the mission field, but not so much anymore.

A mission is a one of a kind experience. I am afraid I am going to be having these little episodes of heartache for a long while- perhaps the rest of my life- as it was such a life changing event for me.

I truly have done well at moving on in recent weeks. But, when I stop to really think about things, that's when I get in trouble. I realize at times that I don't want to have to move on from the mission. But, I must. The Lord has other great things in store for me.